UC文书之改变篇和自夸篇

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wholerenguru3 (厚仁学术哥)


上篇回顾


在前面几个系列的报道里,我已经向各位同学介绍过美国本科转学个人陈述的基本题型,长度,写作内容,字数等信息。不知道各位同学是否还有印象呢?在上几期的文章中,我也和各位同学分析了UC转学中四道题目的写作思路和切入要点。先让我们一起来回忆一下关于一篇好的UC文书,你需要了解的6个重点信息:

1. 有一篇必答题目的文书
2. 在剩下的7篇文章里选择3篇进行撰写
3. 每一篇文章不超过350个单词
4. 你可以根据自己的兴趣进行3个文书题目的选择,没有任何规定,但是建议选择自己感兴趣的方向
5. 所有的文书题目在审核的过程中都是平等对待的,并没有说哪一个题目会更好
6. 对于文书的形式没有任何的形式规定,这些文书的目的是为了了解你这个人,用你独一无二的方式进行展示

今天就让我们再来一起了解一下最后的两篇文书题目里,又蕴含着哪些乾坤和技巧呢?那么在这篇文章中,我想和各位同学讨论接下去的2个文书题目,去分析这些题目咱们应该从哪些方面入手,以及结合真实的学生申请实战案例来进行点评。所以今天的文章主要涵盖了以下几个方面:

1. UC系统本科转学文书题目六分析
2. UC系统本科转学文书题目七分析

我是来自厚仁教育的资深申请规划顾问Mary老师,目前我已经专注于转学申请领域超过7年之久,帮助了上百名学生申请到了例如纽约大学,波士顿大学,约翰霍普金斯大学,加利福尼亚大学伯克利分校,洛杉矶分校,华盛顿大学等全美排名靠前的学校。今天,我想就通过一些学生的真实写作案例,和各位同学一起来分析他们的优缺点在哪里。



题目六分析

首先让我们来看一下题目:

What have you done to make your school or your community a better place?  

让我来给各位同学总结一下这个题目中的几个关键题眼:

have you done, school or community, a better place

首先咱们一起来看一下这个文书,这个题目不同于别的题目的地方在于,它没有用到像describe这样的字眼,但是用的提问方法是异曲同工的。大家仔细看这个题目,问的是你做了什么来让你的学校或所在的社区变的更好。所以这个问题的关键依旧是描述你所做过的事情,何为描述?描述的深层意思就是细节,故事情节,以及具体内容。那么当你在描述一件事情或者是一个东西的时候,除了从颜色外观等客观内容进行切入的同时,一定要记得加上自己的感官也就是感受。所以这个题目同样要求的是我们用具体的事例来进行描述。

接下去让我们看一下这道题目核心的内容make your school or community a better place。那么同学们在看到这个比较级的词语better的时候,心里面应该有所了解的是,这个题目需要有一个前后的对比。即在你做事情之前,学校和社区的状况,以及在你做了事情之后,学校和社区的改变,这种改变取决于你做的事情。

那么对于中国学生来说,这个题目的难点在于如何定义社区。很多同学看过美国的电影还有电视剧,对于community的概念可能会局限于所居住的环境。其实这个地方我们可以拓展一下思路,Community可以定义为任何你觉得你适合的一个群体,一个组合,一个team,一个地方等等。对于这个community,哪些地方引起了你想要改变的决心?

那么UC的官网也给出了以下的一些提示给到各位同学:

Things to consider: Think of community as a term that can encompass a group, team or a place – like your high school, hometown, or home. You can define community as you see fit, just make sure you talk about your role in that community. Was there a problem that you wanted to fix in your community?

Why were you inspired to act?  What did you learn from your effort? How did your actions benefit others, the wider community or both? Did you work alone or with others to initiate change in your community?

案例分析

接下去让我们一起来看几个实际的写作案例,对比一下前后的修改内容,来一起分析一下这篇文章应该如何来进行撰写。


修改前:

When I was in high school, I would go with my live-in mom to her church every Saturday. One time my mom told me that her church was going to distribute food and help the homeless. It was a weekend, and my mom, my house mom, and five friends and I set out for Downtown, a church in the middle of nowhere, and the neighborhood looked like a mess. When we walked in, we saw about ten people from the church, and they were already preparing the food for distribution. I was assigned to go to the freezer to take out the meat and distribute it into bags, and when the distribution was complete, the church began to line up homeless people to come in and get the food. What struck me was that each of the homeless people said thank you politely many times after receiving their food, and they were all well dressed and neat looking, which was completely different from how I remembered them. This service was very beneficial to me and I realized that my stereotype of homeless people was wrong. So I started to search for information about homeless people on the website, and I found that there are a large number of homeless people in Downtown Los Angeles, and because there are so many homeless people, many shelters don’t have space for them anymore, so most of them choose to sleep in tents directly on the street. After learning about this, I chose to participate in more activities to help the homeless.

修改后:

My high school life could not be more colorful without the homestay mom. Not only did she help me with academic learning, but she encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone…. Once she told me that a church in Downtown LA was going to distribute free food and help the homeless. My stereotypes of homeless people were lazy and addicts, and they chose to be homeless for some reasons. Out of curiosity, we drove to the area. The whole neighborhood looked like a mess. I saw ten volunteers. There were bags of snacks and water. I stepped forward and communicated with them, learned that them were church members. Most of them had been through some less-than-pleasant events, so they wanted to help those who were having a hard time. I was assigned to go to the freezer and cut meat into pieces….. After talking to some of them, I realized that they did not voluntarily live on the streets because they could not afford the high rent. Some of them had children but their income could not cover expenses. They were all forced to live but were still trying to live. I started to have new ideas of homeless people……Most people chose to sleep in tents. Such a situation may lead to the deterioration of the city’s environment and affect tourism. Ever since, I participated in more community activities. I went to underage children shelters and helped make breakfast…..

题目七分析

首先让我们来看一下题目:

7. Beyond what has already been shared in your application, what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for admissions to the University of California?

让我来给各位同学总结一下这个题目中的几个关键题眼:

beyond, already been shared, stand out as a strong candidate

这个题目其实很有意思,各位同学可以发现,它问的是在目前已经提交的申请内容中,有哪些是你觉得你区别于别的申请者的。这个地方我们要注意的两个点,第一个是咱们要补充的内容是之前申请中没有提到过的,即一些新的信息。这个地方咱们就要仔细考虑的是,前几个文书题目已经从很多方面来让各位同学来展现自己,包括领导力,创造力,解决困难的能力等等。那么在这个文书中,我们要避免出现类似能力的描述,而是要分享一些新的信息。

换句话说,在这个文书题目中,尽可能的从不同于前面几个题目的角度来对自己的性格,经历,还有特点等进行相应的描述。同学们可以尽情的在这个文书题目里进行自夸。

那么UC的官网也给出了以下的一些提示给到各位同学:

Things to consider: If there’s anything you want us to know about you, but didn’t find a question or place in the application to tell us, now’s your chance. What have you not shared with us that will highlight a skill, talent, challenge or opportunity that you think will help us know you better?

From your point of view, what do you feel makes you an excellent choice for UC? Don’t be afraid to brag a little.


总结

经过关于UC最后两篇的分析,大家可以充分的体会到,UC的文书一直在强调讲故事的重要性。这种讲故事的内容,不仅仅是对于细节的描述,同时也是对于自己的经历等一次详细的回顾。在这些文书的写作过程中,各位同学可以不停的锻炼讲故事的能力,同时也可以对自己的性格等方面有良好的剖析。今年的UC申请季马上就要拉开帷幕,希望各位同学都可以申请到理想的院校。


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wholerenguru3  (厚仁学术哥)

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厚仁教育学术紧急应对中心首席专家顾问、资深文书老师。拥有匹兹堡大学Professional Writing Certificate专业写作认证。担任美国官方学术委员会AIS(Academic Integrity Seminar)常任导师,高难度申诉和紧急申请成功经验无数。 经手案例:俄亥俄州立大学、哥伦比亚大学、威斯康辛麦迪逊大学、南加州大学、伊利诺伊香槟分校、迈阿密大学、宾州州立大学、多伦多大学、女王大学、阿尔伯塔大学以及UC大学系列名校等。
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